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How to Take Control of Your Emotions So They Don’t Control You (a/k/a I failed and I’m so sorry)

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Today, I’m giving you a peak inside of my life to show you how to take control of your emotions when you feel like they’re about to wreak havoc upon you (or perhaps they already have).  I hope my story will empower you to give yourself some grace when this happens.

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You know it’s bad when you find yourself apologizing to an 8-year old…

Why I’m Sorry (and Need to Take Back Control)

My family recently took a trip to Big Bend National Park (which was BEAUTIFUL, by the way – you’ll find some pics on my Instagram feed).  Zachary (my oldest son) woke up in the middle of our last night there with a 103+ fever, and we were worried that he might have the flu.

Now, one of the draws of going to Big Bend is that it’s HOURS away from humanity.  There’s literally nothing there except desert, mountains and wildlife.

But that’s also a HUGE problem when in need.  The closest town with a real hospital is 4 hours away.

After listening to Zachary toss and turn for an hour – and realizing that no one (including our youngest son, Noah) was sleeping a wink – we decided to stop worrying and instead start doing the one thing we could do.  So, at 2:30 AM we got out of bed, threw everything into the car, and started our long drive homeward.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, we soon ran into fog (which I didn’t even know was possible in the desert).  And, although the fog slowed us further, that wasn’t the worst of it.  I get car sick – especially on curvy roads in the dead of night (and with added fog).

[Recommended Reading (especially when dealing with tough times)How to Choose Happiness Even When Things Go Wrong (Compliments of an 18-Month Old).]

 

How to choose happiness blog title picture

My BIG Fail (aka When My Emotions Took Over)

Poor Noah didn’t quite know what to think – and wasn’t certain what was going on.  All he knew was that (1) something was clearly wrong with his brother, (2) Mom and Dad were obviously worried, and (3) we made him get out of bed in the middle of night and leave quickly.

Noah kept asking question after question about how Zachary was doing and what to expect.  Which, when you think about it rationally, was sweet.  But I wasn’t exactly being rational.  All I could think about was how much I needed to sleep while slapping myself silly to stay awake and continue driving my leg of the journey (because, you know, Dramamine).

In all honesty, I was annoyed with all the questions and wished he’d just be quiet.

After yet another one of these questions, I snapped.  I don’t remember exactly what I said, but it wasn’t nice and my tone of voice was biting.  It was something in the realm of “How the *#@! should I know, stop asking stupid questions”.

Of course, that made me feel even worse.  So, I sat silently and started seething to myself about how horrible a mother I was.  Which is when I became aware.

In that moment a recent conversation with a friend came to mind.  Apparently, because I write about how to live with more intention and choice, she was under the impression that I don’t understand how hard it can be. She believes that it’s “easy” for me to respond calmly (as opposed to react).  She even told me that I’m too perfect.

At the time I heard this, I was offended.  But in that moment – while driving home half asleep and drugged up on Dramamine, I started laughing.  Hysterically.

Here’s the thing: I’m just as imperfect as you are.  Probably even more so.  Ask Jeff (my hubby) – he’ll tell you.

Being Perfect Isn’t the Point

I want to make something clear: life happens and you’re human.

What does this mean?  Crap happens that you can’t control, and you’re going to FAIL AND REACT with nothing but negative emotions from time to time.  You’re going to snap, be judgmental, say something unkind, speak out of anger before thinking, etc.

And it’s okay.

The point isn’t to be perfect, it’s to be aware so you can do something about it once you become aware.  Sometimes you’ll catch yourself in the beginning of an emotion and have a chance to think through what you want to do before reacting.  And sometimes you’ll fail (like I did in the story above).

What It Means to Take Control of Your Emotions After You’ve Let Them Control You

So, what do you do when you fail?

Process + Take Responsibility

Taking control of your emotions requires that you first sit with them.  Then you must process through them.  And finally you move on.

Oh, and you apologize to your 8-year old.

Let me be clear about something: you must be honest with yourself about what happened, how you felt and the negative reaction that you had (or in my case, the fact that I lost it).

Part of processing through your emotions means taking responsibility for how you reacted.  Although you might not need to apologize to your son, you will need to take responsibility for your behavior.  So be sure to take responsibility for it (and apologize if you need to).

This will help you to move on.

Give Yourself Grace

When you have these failures, the #1 rule to remember is to BE KIND TO YOURSELF.  Kind of like when meditating.

For those of you who meditate, you know that the point isn’t to clear your mind (which is a myth many people who don’t meditate believe).  It’s about becoming aware at some point that your mind has wandered and then gently (and with kindness to yourself) bringing your attention back to your focal point.

So, when you find that you’ve failed, I want you to treat yourself with KINDNESS.  There’s no point in self-pity or self-punishment.

I guess that’s the difference between me and some people.  I refuse to punish myself over and over.  But I also choose to deal with what happened head-on. This means processing through your emotions once you become aware and dealing with them head on (and, in this instance, also apologizing to my son with remorse – and without excuses).

When I talk about living with intention and making a choice THIS IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.

[Recommended Reading: taking control of your life doesn’t just require you to take control of yourself, it also means letting go of control over the things that you can’t truly control (yet often try to do regardless).  Learn more about that by reading The Importance of Letting Go of Control So You Can Stop Trying So Hard and Instead Feel at Peace].

Picture of Woman Who is at Peace after Letting Go of Control

 

How to Take Control of Your Emotions (So They Don’t Take Control Over You)

So, how do you process through those emotions of yours? I have a simple process and have outlined it for you in the video below.  In it, you’ll learn:
  • the EXACT 4-step process I use to work through my emotions (so that I don’t ignore them or pretend they aren’t what they really are, but instead deal with them head-on);
  • why doing this is so important; and
  • how to use it in real-life situations (including when life and the emotions involved are REALLY HARD – such as when you have cancer, feel like complete crud, and are worried that you might be dying)

[NOTE: sorry, my video did go a few minutes over 15 minutes, but who’s counting…]

Here’s why it’s so important: when you know how to take control of your emotions you’ll be taking control of your life.  That’s the ONE THING you can control.  You can’t control other people or many of the circumstances that you find yourself in.

But you can control you – your thought processes and how you respond to what’s going on around you. That’s what gives you control over your life.

Until next time…

P.S.  Take control of your thoughts and your life by downloading 5-Minute Stress Solutions.  This resource includes 8 proven strategies to help you drastically reduce stress, take control of your thoughts, and increase your mental resilience.  You’ll: (1) feel less stressed and happier, (2) more self-confident, and (3) calmer and more in control than ever.


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Hey there!

I’m Heather Moulder, an attorney and executive coach specializing in helping you achieve success that actually feels good.

Personal and professional demands can turn even the best career and life into a daily grind… but it doesn’t have to feel this way.

It’s time to (1) retrain your mind for strength, resilience, and calm, (2) get clarity about your path forward and (3) confidently take action to make your vision a reality.  That’s how to create personal and professional success on your own terms, from the inside-out.

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